Anson. Where are you, Anson?
Anson. Come back, Anson.
Anson. Calling Anson.
Where are you, Anson?
Anson!
Anson. Calling Anson.
Where are you, Anson?
Anson!
Where are you, Anson?
Anson! Get out here!
I've warned you about your attitude. Did you clean out 407?
No... of course you haven't cleaned out 407. You've only had all damn morning.
You think you'll ever own any of those boats, the way you're going?
You think you're ever going to amount to anything? You can't even finish a simple job.
- A monkey could do this job, all right, Jay? - You can't, so what's that say about you?
- Shut up. - Excuse me?
I didn't catch that.
You clean out 407, you move out that deadbeat's stuff, and you do it now.
And when I come back in an hour, it better be done.
Anson?
Son of a...
Anson.
Anson!
Aw, that's it, Anson. Do you hear me, Ans...?
Mmff!
Can I get you some coffee? Water? Anything?
Morning.
Special Agent Dana Scully, this is, uh, this is Jay Gilmore.
Agh! Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet... Likewise.
Mr Gilmore came all the way to see us from Missouri, the Show Me State.
They told me you were the people to best understand my sit...
- My sit... - It's OK.
Uh, this is Mr Gilmore's... situation.
This condition came on suddenly a month ago.
Anson Stokes. He did this to me.
I don't know how. I just... I know it was him.
Anson Stokes is a former employee at the self-storage yard that Mr Gilmore owns.
- There was bad blood between you two. - He told me to shut up!
Huh?!
Yeah. And then Mr Gilmore was, uh... stricken...
stricken... stricken, and Anson Stokes was nowhere to be found.
He resurfaced days later. The police wanted to question him, but he refused.
Do you know what he said? He said they had nothing on him.
Well, to be fair, sir, they didn't. They don't.
They had to make me a whole new mouth.
Do you think Blue Cross is going to pay for this? Uh-uh.
I demand justice!
Ow.
- All I'm saying is... - I know.
This may not be a crime, and Stokes may know nothing about it.
There is a condition called microstomia - "small mouth" - which is, uh...
It's brought on by scleroderma. It's the overproduction of collagen.
It can actually reduce a person's mouth to a tiny little opening.
But that takes months to develop. It doesn't happen in the blink of an eye.
Surgeons are stumped. They're writing it up in the New England Journal of Medicine.
There's always nasal aplasia - the absence of a nose.
That's a nose. We're talking mouth here.
What we're talking is medical, physiological, not criminal. Not as far as I can see.
Maybe, but I still wanna know why Anson Stokes doesn't wanna talk to the police.
Mulder...
That's a little... out of place, wouldn't you say?
A little bit.
Ah, dammit!
Leslie!
What? What is it?
IRS agents. Gotta be. Listen, get rid of 'em, all right?
Hi.
- We're looking for a Mr Anson Stokes. - He's not here.
Do you happen to know when he's coming back?
Well, we are Agents Mulder and Scully from the FBI.
Oh, the boat's not ours. The boat... I'm just...
We're holdin' it for someone, and, you know, they pay the taxes on it.
OK...
- Anson's not here. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What's your name? - Leslie Stokes.
Oh, you're Anson's brother?
Hi, there.
We're not here about the boat. We wanna talk to your brother about his former employer.
Mr Gilmore.
And the unfortunate condition that he's found himself in.
- Would you know anything about that? - The mouth thing?
Well, yeah. You know, that's just, uh... that's, like... chemicals.
Chemicals?
Yeah, you know, people store weird chemicals.
My brother one time smelled this weird smell. It was just a guy with a meth lab.
In one of the storage units. That's probably something you should look into.
You know, I'm gonna get going. So I'm gonna go, OK?
OK.
Now I see what's going on here.
According to Gilmore, he was standing right where I am when it happened.
Well, I don't smell any weird chemical smells.
You still have both your lips.
Apparently, everything is left as it was.
Hey...
1978. It's been a long time since any of this stuff has seen the light of day.
It's too bad, Mulder. Underneath all this dust, this furniture is really wonderful.
You wanna hit some yard sales while we're out here?
Mulder, this furniture is expensive. Very expensive.
- What's your point? - My point is that, uh...
there's a lot of money sitting here and maybe something's missing.
- Like what? - I don't know. Jewellery?
Stokes opened up the storage unit, then disappeared.
Winds up with the Titanic in his driveway?
There's your crime - theft.
Still doesn't explain what happened to Gilmore.
Scully, check this out.
- Ouch. - This woman look familiar to you?
- That's the woman from the trailer. - That's the young woman from the trailer.
How many centuries now has disco been dead?
Two down.
Two down, I got nothin' to show for it.
- You got the boat. - And what the hell good is that?
Huh?
That thing is like a big... you know, big...
- White elephant? - What? I'm sorry. What does that mean?
It's an expensive item that serves no purpose and is ultimately more trouble than it's worth.
- So what the hell did you give it to me for? - Because you asked for it.
Fine. I can appreciate that. That's...
But don't you think maybe you could've found some freakin' water to put it in?
- You didn't specify water. - I gotta specify that you put a boat in water?
That is a given!
Freakin' white elephant!
I can't even pay the taxes on it.
Why don't you just, uh, use your last wish to get rid of it?
You want me to put you in a home? Now?
Because I just told you, Leslie, that I wasted two wishes, OK?
And I am not... Are you listening? I am not gonna waste the third. All right? Come on.
God!
We gotta concentrate here. Now, let me figure this out.
Third wish. Final wish. I'm just spitballin' here.
If I say "I wish" by accident, that does not count, not until I am absolutely ready, OK?
- You could give that guy his mouth back. - All I said was I wish Jay would shut up.
If you feel bad about what you did to him, fix it on your own dime, OK?
- It doesn't work like that. - Whatever.
Leslie, would you help me out here?
Uh...
- Money. Wish for money. - Yeah. OK, that's not bad.
But shouldn't we think of something that generates money, instead of money itself?
Brains? Talent? Hard work?
Uh...
- A money machine. - OK. That's not...
But somethin' better. Somethin' better. OK, but... I just...
- An infinite number of wishes? - OK.
Just three, boys. Settle down.
Dammit, this is hard.
You know, I have a thought.
- Granted, it's pretty obvious. - What? What, what, what, what, what?
- What? - What?
Seriously. What?
Oh, forget it.
- I got it. - Yeah?
I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it. Are you ready? Because I am ready.
I am absolutely ready. OK, here goes.
I wish that I could turn invisible.
At will.
- You're kidding. - No, no. This is perfect.
I can have an advantage that nobody else can have.
I can, um, you know, spy and learn secret information, pick up stock tips.
- Sneak into a women's locker room. - Not just that.
I'm talkin' about James Bond type stuff. You know?
Your wish is breathtaking in its unoriginality.
You don't have to like it, all right? You just have to do it. Right?
Done.
My clothes are gonna turn invisible, too, right?
- You didn't specify clothes. - I know, but...
Screw it.
Oh, God. Turn invisible, please.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yes!
Whoa, man, this is awesome! Hey, brother. Hey, Leslie? I'm over here.
I'm over here. Can you see me?
Whoo-hoo!
Ow!
Dammit!
- Anson, are you all right? - Yeah, yeah.
I can't see my damn feet.
Look out, world! Here I come! Whoo-hoo!
I'm invisible! Invisible, baby! Whoo!
- Whoo-oo! - Yes!
You can't see me, can you?!
I...
Hey, uh...
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Hey, outta my way, birds. Yeah.
Well, hello, ladies.
Yeah, here comes Anson. That's right.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on. Change, change. All right, here we go.
Need a little roadside assistance, do ya?
Well, not to worry.
Here comes Anson.
Aargh!
Whoa!
Can we go now?
I think you missed a spot here.
I can see straight through to his ass.
This is Anson Stokes, huh?
It is. His dental records are a match. He was found about half a mile from his house.
He was probably hit by a car or a truck or... something.
And he's invisible.
Yes, he is.
Wow.
In the seven years that we've worked together I have seen some amazing things, but this...
This takes the cake. It's... it's gonna change the boundaries of science.
It is amazing, but I don't think it has anything to do with science.
- Remember Mr Saturday Night Fever? - Yeah.
I did a little background checking. His real name is Henry Flanken.
He redefined the term "overnight success". In 1977, his net worth was $36,000,
and in 1978 it was $30 million.
Then there is the interesting way in which Mr Flanken died.
- How's that? - Chronic morbid tumescence.
- You don't mean what I think you mean? - Schwing! On April 4, 1978,
he was admitted to Gateway Memorial Hospital with an extreme priapic condition.
He was quite the specimen. They had to raise the doorframe in order to wheel him in.
Well, what does any of that have to do with this?
Well, I think our mystery woman is the link.
About whom I can find no information whatsoever.
I think she's responsible for all of this.
- But how? - I... I don't know.
But... we need to talk to her.
Uh... I think that I should stay here with the body. I mean, I... You know...
I don't think it's a good idea to leave him unguarded. You know, this is truly amazing.
OK.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Anson didn't suffer, did he?
No, I don't think he suffered.
But the part about him being invisible, that doesn't catch you off guard just a little bit?
Uh...
There was a woman here earlier. Where is she?
She's, uh... she's gone.
I'll tell you where I'm going with this. I think that woman is a jinniyah.
- Are you familiar with that term? - No.
It's the feminine for jinni - as in a demon or spirit from Middle Eastern folklore.
Yeah, except Barbara Eden never killed anybody.
All right. Now, in Arabic mythology
they speak of these beings that are composed of flame or air but take human form.
They can perform certain tasks or grant certain wishes.
They live in inanimate objects like a lamp or a ring. Is this beginning to sound familiar?
I believe your brother found just such an object in the storage facility, didn't he?
He took possession of the jinniyah, and he made some pretty outrageous requests.
- Like Jay Gilmore's mouth and the yacht. - Wait, wait.
- You believe all that? - I do.
For your own safety - so that what happened to your brother doesn't happen to you -
I think you should hand over that object to me right now.
You're doing the right thing.
Scully, come check this out.
Come on. He's not going anywhere. Come on.
Bye.
I have a group of researchers flying in from Harvard Medical. Can't wait to see their faces.
- What's this? - Not what I hoped it would be.
Judging from the odour inside, I think it's where the Stokes brothers keep their weed.
But that's not what I wanted to show you.
- Recognise him? - Benito Mussolini.
How about her?
Your mystery woman. Or someone who looks a lot like her.
Well, the computer says it is her.
I ran her through facial-recognition software. Couldn't find a match in the felon database.
Then I took a flier and checked with the image bank at the national archives.
Voilà.
Even if it is her, what would she be doing with Mussolini?
Or Richard Nixon, for that matter.
I don't know. Except that they're both men who got all the power they ever wished for
and then lost it.
See? I told you it'd look good in here.
Nice rug. How do you breathe in that thing, huh?
Can we just get this over with? Three wishes.
OK. Don't rush me, all right? I wanna do this right.
Gotta be smarter than Anson was.
Dammit, Anson.
Then, can I once again offer you a suggestion?
Hm?
What?
This.
Your disability.
There was some tragedy involved here, I assume.
Well, yeah, it was pretty tragic, I guess. Me and Anson were playing mailbox baseball.
God, I miss that. And Anson's drivin'. I was leanin' pretty far out the window there.
Oh...
You mean this?
Yeah, you're right. I could wish for a solid-gold wheelchair. Man, that'd be sweet.
I see what you're sayin', but you know what? There's somethin' I want more than that.
You're not gonna believe your eyes. I certainly didn't.
Are you ready?
Oh. He's, uh...
He is invisible... after all.
Um...
He's in there.
OK. He's creepin' me out. This isn't what I asked for. He's all weird and messed up.
He's been hit by a truck. What did you expect?
- I asked you to bring him back to normal. - You asked me to bring him back.
OK, you know, the...
Now he's startin' to smell bad! This isn't what I wanted!
Look, he's gotta at least be able to talk! OK, you know what?
That's my next wish. Wish number two - I wish Anson could talk.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do, and that's final.
I wish Anson could talk.
Done.
Oh, I should just shoot myself.
Oh...
I was so happy.
I was so excited. What was I thinking?
An invisible man?
You saw it. It was real.
I don't know what I saw, Mulder.
I do know that having that kind of proof in my hands, it was just too good to be true.
- I don't think it's why the body disappeared. - Why did the body disappear?
I think it was the result of a wish being granted.
A wish?
- Whose wish? - Who would want Anson Stokes back?
I mean, really, really back.
His brother, Leslie?
Well, this is no good.
What did you do to me?
You're back from the dead, man. What kinda gratitude is that?
What did you do to me?
I wasted two wishes on you, that's what I did!
I can't feel my heart.
I-I can't feel my blood.
I am yellow!
I'm cold.
- You know what? Screw this! - I'm cold.
- I wasted two wishes on you.
And a perfectly good bowl of cornflakes.
There. I turned the heat up. Are you happy now? Huh? Are you happy?!
Is there anything else I can do for you, there, buddy? What do you say?
Maybe wipe your little yellow butt?
- Thanks for nothin'. - You wanna make your third wish, champ?
I'd like to leave before the blowflies hatch.
Yeah, I tell you what, my last wish is gonna be for me, OK?
You hear that, Anson? I wasted two wishes on you and you don't even give a damn!
All right. Third wish.
Let's see, I could wish for, uh...
I could wish for money. Everybody wishes for money.
So cold.
Um...
There's the invisibility thing. That turned out pretty stupid, though, huh? Anson?
To be invisible?! That was real smart, huh?
Uh... X-ray eyes, maybe? No, that'd be...
Hmm... Like you said, solid-gold wheelchair.
Uh...
Wait, I got it. Legs!
Ow!
Would you mind removing your eyewear, ma'am?
Ah.
- Do you have a name? - Not for a long time now.
How about if I call you Jen? That's short for "jinniyah".
The, uh... fire department just recovered two bodies.
- Leslie Stokes and his brother Anson. - Looks like it.
And, uh, Anson Stokes is visible now.
Of course.
But what I'd really love an explanation for is how his corpse got from my locked morgue
all the way across town to the Mark Twain Trailer Park.
Ask him. He's got it all figured out.
I know what he'd say. He'd say you're some kind of genie from 1001 Nights or something,
- and that you grant people wishes. - Well, there you have it.
One thing I haven't been able to figure out is whether you're a good genie or an evil one.
Everybody you come in contact with seems to meet a bad end.
That's the conclusion you've drawn? That I'm evil?
Well, possibly evil. Possibly cursed. A curse to others.
The only thing you people are cursed with is stupidity. All of you. Everybody. Mankind.
Everyone I have ever come into contact with. Without fail.
- Always asking for the wrong thing. - Making the wrong wishes?
Yeah. It's always "Give me money." "Give me big boobs." "Give me a big hoo-hoo."
"Make me cool, like the Fonz." Or whoever's the big name now.
- You've been out of circulation a long time. - So what?
In 500 years, people have not changed a bit.
500 years?
Granted, they smell better now, generally speaking. But human greed still reigns.
Shallowness. A propensity for self-destruction.
You're saying that you have been a first-hand witness to 500 years of human history.
I used to be human.
I was born in 15th-century France,
and then one day an old Moor came to my village peddling rugs,
and I unrolled one that an ifrit had taken residence in.
- "An ifrit." - A very... powerful class of genie.
He offered me three wishes. For the first I asked for a stouthearted mule.
For the second, a magic sack that was always full of turnips...
Did I mention this was 15th-century France?
- What was your third wish? - My third... I pondered for a great while.
I didn't want to waste it.
So, finally, feeling very intelligent, I spoke up and I said
"Je souhaite un grand pouvoir et une longue vie."
"I wish for great power and long life."
- And thus became a genie yourself. - Gave me the mark of the jinn... right there.
It's for ever. Sorta like a prison tattoo.
I should've been more specific.
So, am I under arrest?
I can't think of anything we have to hold you on. And, not surprisingly,
we don't have any evidence of any of this, so, uh... I think she's free to go.
No, I'm not.
He unrolled me.
I get three wishes.
So, your partner left the airport rather quickly.
And I don't think she likes me very much.
I-I don't think she knows what to make of you.
I don't think I do either, really.
Well, you could always give up your three wishes. I'll disappear, no hard feelings.
I didn't think so. So what's your first wish?
Well...
What would your wish be, if you were in my place?
- I'm not you. It doesn't matter. - But I just... You know, I'd like to know.
I'd... wish that I'd never heard the word "wish" before.
I'd wish that I could live my life moment by moment...
enjoying it for what it is instead of...
instead of worrying about what it isn't.
I'd... sit down somewhere with a great cup of coffee...
and I'd watch the world go by.
But then again, I'm not you. So I doubt that's your wish.
I'm beginning to see the problem. You say most people make the wrong wishes, right?
Without fail. It's like giving a chimpanzee a revolver.
This is because they make their wishes for personal gain.
Could be.
So the trick would be to make a wish that's totally altruistic, that's for everyone.
So, um...
I wish for peace on earth.
Peace on earth? That's it?
- What's wrong with that? You can't do it? - No.
I can.
It's done.
Oh, crap.
I guess I should've seen this coming!
Scully.
Scully?
Hello?
Very good. Genie?
Jinni? Whatever the hell your name is!
Yes?
- What the hell is this? - It's what you asked for. Peace on earth.
Listen.
You know damn well that's not what I meant.
- You didn't specify. - This has nothing to do with specificity.
You don't have to wipe out the entire population of the whole planet
just to effect peace on earth and goodwill towards men.
You didn't say goodwill towards men.
So you expect me to change the hearts of six billion people?
No religion in history has been able to pull that off. Not Allah or Buddha or Christ.
But you'd like me to do that in your name? So... what?
- You can feel real good about yourself? - Did I say that?
- I didn't say that! - Mm. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!
How grotesquely egotistical of you. I bet you wish you hadn't made your first wish.
Yes, I do, since you butchered the intent of that wish so completely.
And another thing. I think you've got a really horrible attitude.
I guess it comes from being rolled up for the last 500 years.
But we're not all that stupid. We're not all chimpanzees with revolvers.
I think there's another possibility here, and that's just that you're a bitch.
Agent Mulder?
Sir.
How did you get in here?
Uh...
"I have one wish left and desire to use it effectively for the good of all mankind..."
"..here on this plane of existence..."
Hm. Hm-hm.
- What, are you a lawyer? - Well, I have to be with you.
I'm gonna get this perfect. I won't leave you any loopholes.
I'm not gonna let you bring back the Third Reich or make people's eyes grow on stalks.
Oh, jeez. And I was so looking forward to that.
Skinner called me, Mulder.
Is everything all right?
You don't remember disappearing off the face of the earth
for about an hour this morning?
No.
Well, I guess everything's OK.
Mul...
- Could you give us a minute, please? - Sure.
Like, today?
Wh...
- Where the hell did she go? - Boink!
No...
It's gotta be hypnotism or mesmerism or... something.
Scully, it is what it is. You examined an invisible body, remember?
- I thought I did. - Oh!
Mulder, all right, say... say that you're right.
Say this is what it is. Then what you're doing is extraordinarily dangerous.
- I mean, you even said that yourself. - No, no. The trick is to be specific.
To make the wish perfect. That way, everyone will benefit. It'll be a safer, happier world.
There'll be food for everyone, freedom for everyone,
the end of tyranny of the powerful over the weak.
- Am I leaving anything out? - It sounds wonderful.
Then what's the problem?
Maybe it's the whole point of our lives here, Mulder - to achieve that.
Maybe it's a process that one man shouldn't try and circumvent with a single wish.
You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
I can't believe you don't want butter on your popcorn. Ugh. It's un-American.
Caddyshack, Mulder?
It's a classic American movie.
That's what every guy says. It's a guy movie.
When you invite me over to your place we can watch Steel Magnolias.
So, um...
what's the occasion?
I don't know, it just felt like the thing to do. Cheers.
Cheers.
I don't know if you noticed, but, um, I never made the world a happier place.
Well, I'm fairly happy.
That's something.
And now, our feature presentation.
So what was your final wish, anyway?
Here you go.
Kerrie Slavin
I made this!